Why We Need Other People to Understand Us

Have you ever found yourself in an argument explaining the same thing for the third or fourth time?

You try different words. You give another example. You explain what you meant, why you reacted the way you did, why your decision makes sense.

And when they still don’t seem to understand, you try another angle…

Because mutual understanding feels like resolution. But here’s the trap – understanding and agreement are not the same thing.

Someone can understand you perfectly and still disagree. Someone can understand your reasoning and still dislike your decision.

Someone can understand your boundary and still push against it.

And, most importantly, someone can completely misunderstand you and your decision can still be right for you.

Being misunderstood can feel almost unbearable. It seems to threaten not only your reputation, but your identity. If someone gets the wrong impression, reads your silence as indifference, your boundary as coldness, your ambition as self-interest, or your complexity as inconsistency, the instinct is often to close the gap immediately, to explain, restore coherence, and bring the other person back to the version of you that feels recognizable and fair.

Why Do We Need Other People to Understand Us?

We’re social creatures. Being understood signals belonging, connection and safety. There are legitimate reasons we want it. The goal isn’t to become emotionally indifferent to everyone.

But sometimes we’re not explaining because the other person needs more information. We’re explaining because we need their understanding before we feel comfortable standing behind our decision.

Also, sometimes we don’t want to be perceived rude, anti-social, cold, arrogant… So we over-explain hoping once the other side understands us, we may not seem to be any of that. We are not chasing clarity, but rather acceptance, safety and approval.

For example;

Imagine something at work doesn’t suit you. Instead of simply saying, “That doesn’t work for me,” you begin explaining why. Then you explain a little more, hoping the other person will eventually understand why your position is reasonable.

At some point, you’re no longer providing information. You’re unconsciously asking for permission.

Self-trust isn’t just trusting yourself when everyone supports you. A harder version is remaining connected to your own reality while someone else holds a different one.

If you want to read more about how to stop over-explaining yourself, click here.

The Endless Explanation Trap

We may believe: If I just explain it better, they’ll get it. Sometimes they won’t. Not because our explanation isn’t good enough.

They may have different values, interests, experiences, emotional capacities, incentives or simply a completely different interpretation of events.

At some point, explaining stops being communication and becomes an attempt to control how someone perceives you. Not necessary that we explain ourselves to someone else, but we may be replaying the same scenarios in our head and think “They don’t understand us”. Therefor, we convince ourselves that’s the problem.

But what if they simply don’t understand? What if that’s not a problem we need to solve?

Recently I had a conversation with a friend and she felt a bit irritated about various situations with hers colleagues, who are just different people. And while she was talking about the situations that irritates her, she repeatedly said “How come they don’t understand?” It was almost as though her boundary couldn’t fully exist until the other person understood why she needed it.

Obviously it is preferable if people understand one another. But understanding cannot be the prerequisite for acting according to our own limits.

Otherwise you’ve outsourced your boundary to somebody else’s perception.

Why being misunderstood can feel so uncomfortable

There are several possible reasons, and they don’t have to apply equally to everyone.

Being understood can give us:

Validation: If you understand why I did it, perhaps that proves I wasn’t wrong.

Protection of identity: If you think I’m selfish, difficult, ungrateful, dramatic, cold, etc., I want to correct that because it conflicts with who I believe I am.

Protection of the relationship: If you misunderstand me, maybe you’ll withdraw, become angry or think differently about me.

Relief from guilt: If you agree my boundary is reasonable, I don’t have to feel guilty for having it.

Control: This one is more uncomfortable. Sometimes repeated explaining is an attempt to control what another person thinks about us.

And while we sometimes just want to be understood, underneath that “understanding” may be – “I need you to arrive at the interpretation of me that I can live with.” And no one is obliged to do that.

Understanding Doesn’t Mean Agreement

Sometimes other side understands perfectly well. They just disagree.

I’ve noticed this in arguments with my partner. Sometimes he’ll simply disagree with me, explicitly or implicitly. And instead of allowing the disagreement to exist, I can find myself explaining my position from another angle. And then another.

Afterwards, I’m exhausted.

Underneath all that explaining is often a belief: If I can just find the right words, he’ll finally understand. But perhaps he already does.

He just doesn’t agree.

Other person may already understand our position and simply not share it. Sometimes the other person does understand our boundary but they just don’t like it because it inconveniences them. That’s a difficult thing to accept.

And that’s quite a realization because agreement isn’t necessarily the successful conclusion of a conversation.

Two people can end with: I understand why you see it that way. I still see it differently.

That’s not failed communication. That’s two separate people.

Can You Tolerate Being Misunderstood?

For example;

You say something. You explain what you mean. Perhaps you clarify once. The other person still says: “I think you’re being unreasonable.”

And instead of justifying why you are reasonable, this may be simply enough: “Okay. I don’t see it that way.” And life continues.

Can you let a conversation end before the other person has arrived at your side?

That doesn’t mean becoming rigid or refusing feedback. Sometimes someone misunderstands you because you communicated badly. Sometimes their interpretation reveals something about your behavior you haven’t seen. You should remain open to that.

The distinction is – listening to someone’s interpretation isn’t the same as needing to change it.

The art of letting people misunderstand you isn’t about becoming careless, rigid or indifferent. Some misunderstandings matter. Some deserve clarification, especially in relationships we care about. But not every misunderstanding needs to be corrected.

Sometimes you’ve communicated clearly. You’ve listened. You’ve explained your position. And the other person still sees you differently.

Maybe the work then isn’t finding better words. Maybe it’s learning to tolerate the discomfort of being seen in a way you cannot control.

You don’t need someone else to arrive at your version of the story before you’re allowed to trust your own.

Love&Light,

Romy