Sometimes something is uncomfortable and we immediately go into problem-solving mode. A relationship feels off – we need a conversation. Work becomes uncertain – we start constructing scenarios. We feel anxious – we need to understand why. Someone is unhappy – we need to resolve it. We don’t know what’s going to happen – we start planning every possible outcome.
It looks productive. Sometimes it genuinely is. But sometimes fixing is how we avoid experiencing the discomfort of not knowing. And yes, sometimes “fixing” is needed. Avoiding a necessary conversation and calling it acceptance isn’t wisdom. Staying in a bad situation because you’re “letting things unfold” isn’t emotional regulation. Sometimes anxiety is pointing toward a real problem.
How do we know when something requires action, and when our urge to act is simply our inability to tolerate uncertainty?
Why the need for fixing everything?
For some people, the need to fix everything starts much earlier. If you grew up in an environment where you had to anticipate moods, mediate conflict or take on responsibilities that weren’t really yours, being the person who “keeps everything together” may have once served a purpose. Fixing wasn’t just something you did. It became connected to safety, value or belonging.
For others, it may have less to do with childhood and more to do with anxiety, perfectionism or simply finding uncertainty difficult to tolerate. Taking action gives us something uncertainty doesn’t: a temporary sense of control.
And sometimes it isn’t that deep at all. We’re problem-solvers. We see something wrong and instinctively want to make it better.
The problem isn’t that we fix things. It’s when fixing becomes our automatic response to discomfort — even when there is nothing we can do yet, nothing that belongs to us to solve, or nothing that actually needs solving.
After another argument in a relationship, it can be difficult to sit with the discomfort. We want to rush in, fix things and get back to the relief of “we’re okay again.” But sometimes sitting with that discomfort gives us an opportunity to reflect, take a pause and return to the relationship with a cooler head and more clarity.
The question is: Are we actually fixing anything, or just exhausting ourselves trying to control outcomes that were never ours to hold?
Urgency to fix things
Recently at work, there was a shortage of staff that was affecting me directly, and I immediately jumped into trying to find solutions and creating scenarios in my head. Then I realized: no one had asked me to solve it. More importantly, it wasn’t my job to solve it.
Yes, the outcome affects me. But management needs to find the solution. My job, for now, is to wait and see what that solution is – and then decide whether it works for me.
Just because something affects me, does that mean it belongs to me to solve?
Real problems don’t always require an immediate answer. But emotional activation often creates the sensations of “I need to figure this out now.“, “I need to know what this means.“, “I need to decide.“, “We need to talk about this.“, “I need a plan.“
And resolving something can provide instant relief, regardless of whether the resolution was actually necessary.
Control underneath it doesn’t have to look like controlling another person, for example. It can look perfectly reasonable: planning, analyzing, anticipating, discussing, researching, preparing, fixing. There is nothing inherently unhealthy about these behaviors. But what am I using this behavior to accomplish? Solving an actual problem? Or making an uncomfortable feeling disappear?
For example;
Am I making a plan because a plan is needed? Or am I making a plan because having no plan makes me anxious?
Am I starting this conversation because something genuinely needs addressing? Or because I cannot tolerate going to bed while something feels unresolved?
Am I trying to understand this feeling because there’s something important underneath it? Or because I believe every uncomfortable emotion needs an explanation?
Not everything uncomfortable is a problem. And not every problem needs to be solved the moment we notice it.
What happens if you don’t fix it yet?
Maybe the practice is learning to sit with discomfort – to be present, to pause before turning every uncomfortable feeling into an action.
For example;
Listening to a friend venting about something and just letting it be, without immediately offering advice. Sometimes supporting someone means being present without taking responsibility for how they feel. I wrote more about the difference between empathy and emotional responsibility here.
After an harsh argument with you partner, not to run to talk it out immediately but to stay with an uncomfortable feeling and having a space to actually realize what you feel.
Sit with anxiety long enough to experience it before constructing an entire life decision around it.
And sometimes, after that pause, you’ll still decide: No. This actually does require action. Fine.
And at first it may feel like abandoning others, but what about abandoning yourself? What if your partner also needs to sit in discomfort and take some accountability? What if actually management needs to solve staffing problem while you focus on your other, more useful work?
From my own experience, and through many years of yoga practice, I learned something that once came quite naturally to me. A thought arises. An emotion arises. Discomfort arises. You observe it. You don’t have to suppress it, believe it, solve it or turn it into action.
And for quite some time, I lived that way.
But then life got louder. The stakes became real. Relationships mattered. Careers became uncertain. Suddenly, I’m no longer sitting on a mat observing an uncomfortable thought. I’m inside the thing. And creating distance between what is happening, what I’m feeling and what I actually need to do about it becomes much harder.
I learned how to observe without reacting. Somewhere along the way, I became someone who wanted to resolve everything again.
And maybe this is exactly where awareness matters. Not because awareness prevents us from falling into old patterns, but because it helps us recognize when we’re doing it again.
When we can see the pattern, we create a little space between the discomfort and our response. Enough space to ask: Am I actually solving something? Am I over-functioning? Am I trying to remove discomfort so I can feel in control again? Or am I trying to fix something that was never mine to fix in the first place?
Maybe the goal isn’t to become someone who never reacts, never overthinks or never tries to regain control. Maybe it’s simply to notice sooner.
To notice when we’re solving a real problem and when we’re trying to escape an uncomfortable feeling. To notice when we’re taking responsibility and when we’re taking responsibility for something that was never ours.
And sometimes, to leave something unresolved long enough to discover that we didn’t actually need to fix it at all.
Love&Light,
Romy
Leave a Reply